Orgasmic Morning

This blog is now officially 18+ because of the word orgasmic in this post. Now I cant even send this post home for mother to read(I don't want my image of a nice innocent boy to shatter)
China does not have anything erotic available officially, just like Saudi Arabia and some other countries or may be I haven't looked hard enough. The book stalls on the side of the road don't have any magazines that parents wouldn't want their teenage sons to read or the teenage boys would have to hide from their parents.
ofcourse there is the interwebs, but I am talking about official channels.. nothing nada.
Enter the Mayfair hotel.. channel 1. Now before you think the hotel is serving porn unoffically and they must have paid off the govt babus(happens a lot here), hold your horses. The hotel is a very clean, law abiding place.. something that us Indians may call "homely" if it was a girl of marriageable age but just like the homely girl likes to read the agony aunt column in Femina for her naughty pleasures and that is her little secret, the hotel has one too. Channel 1 is nothing but information about the hotel, visually. Audiologically speaking(I like the word audiology and I don't know what it means, but it seems to go with visually,so I will use it in a sentence as it is my blog so suck it!) it is a sound track with some orgasmic chants. Who needs a wake up call when you can program your t.v to wake up with some imaginary female calling out to you.
Here is an audio recording for people who feel they are missing out.
Please listen to this with your headphone on if you are at work.

http://www.box.net/shared/svymk555xx

Welcome to China(now stay on the plane)

I am visiting Shanghai for a business trip. My international trips are usually boring except for minor incidents like me loosing both my bags and not getting compensated for it or random girl sitting besides me asking to sleep in my lap, who hasnt had that happen to them right? specially if the girl has just gotten married two days ago.

Anyways, this trip started out normal, by normal I mean, US airport security took my deodorant because it was over 100 ml and it was freaking flammable. This time I tried to make them dispose it in a trash can by asking the lady questions like "What are you going to do with this? Do you give this to charity?" Of course she said, it is out of my hands and she put the can away in the box. I know, her boyfriend or husband will probably be trying the Axe Affect on her now.

If I meet her again, I will ask how the hell did you miss the almost empty can of Gillette deo in the same bag? Because there is no Gillete Affect? Stupid!!

Flew China eastern airline from LA to Shanghai, usual Chicken Coupe seat, except that this time they showed 3 Chinese and two English movies on dinky screens hanging from the top towards my left side. The food was airline quality cheap except for the Ratatouille they served of which I had to get extra. This was also because their first meal was totaly Non-Vegetarian with no veg options(I did not request avg meal option, because my life is boring and I like to live on the edge like this). The meals were cheap, the seat was chicken coupe length, there was no entertainment, the air hostesses were not hot and the airplane wings were held together by duct tape(i thought i saw some on the wings) but hey, the ticket was cheap and my company saved some money on it.

There were bunch of people wearing surgical/woodworking masks on the plane because of H1N1 flu(calling it Swine flu is so passe!). I really had to hold in the urge to pull the mask down of a person who was sleeping with the mask almost slipping of his nose. Dude, what if the guy who has the flu passed by and sneezed right next to your seat? You are screwed pretty much. Again I had no mask etc as I like to live life on the edge.

When we were about to land, China eastern showed some exercise video to loosen your body parts and to my surprise a lot of people started exercising on the plane. Of course mask men took their masks off because 5 min of exercise must have really strengthened their immune system.

So we landed after 14hours of wiggling in the seat. The lady in the next seat did not wish to use the service of my lap this time(my life is boring) but she did write " i am a vegetarian" in mandarin on a tissue paper and gave it to me.

After landing we all got excited and were about to mad rush out the plane when they announced in chinese which roughly translated to "Sit the fuck down" as we need to take your temperature. WTF mate? Didn't the unhot air hostess already do that when I was filling my immigration form? I guess this was another check against pesky H1N1. In came men in whites(no, not tighty whities) but Men in completely covered white suits with woodworking masks and safety glasses. They started measuring the body temperature of each passenger using an IR gun. If they found it more than their liking, they used a real temperature gauge, also known as a digital thermometer. if that told them this person's body temperature is not up to the par they used another temperature gauge, also known as a mercury thermometer. There were 250 passengers on board, guess how long it took? 2 hours, guess how many they found? 1 actually and the said person was sitting 3 row behind me and he possibly had the flu!! I love to live life on the edge.

So after three readings, They were figuring out what to do and just like India no one had any information about what to do, where we were going to go, No one was answering any questions, people were getting frustrated. People were getting louder, altoughI had no clue what they were saying as it was all in Mandarin but i could tell some of them wanted to release their inner Bruce Lee on the men in tighty whities. Finally they decided we will let everyone go except 3 rows in front of the said person's seat and 3 rows behind him. I was the third row ahead of him. So everyone else left and this infuriated some other people to say "Dude, they were breathing the same air as us" Are we more at risk then them? Then they realized that this person had a doctors note and so they decided it was safe to let the captive 6 rows to go. 2 and half hours of later the doctor's note made sense to them? Anyways, got through immigration, and headed towards the belt thinking the luggage should be there as it has been 2.5 hours since the flight landed, but I think too much. Saw a huge group of people standing next to the luggage belt. The belt hadn't even started. I guess the luggage's temperature was still being read. Another 15 min later luggage arrived and I was free to go.

Welcome to China!